Big Ten neighborhood continued

As I was in a rush yesterday I did not have time to fully present Illinois so let me finish them before moving on. The key thing to understand about Illinois is that they are the hidden neighbor, the silent and infrequently seen member of the community. You rarely see Illinois and wonder how their lawn gets mowed or snow gets shoveled. You speculate that they have dug a tunnel under their house so they do not have to use the door (or maybe for dead bodies). Illinois is the neighbor that you sometimes get the urge to walk up to their window and look inside just to see what it looks like and see if anyone is alive. Its difficult to form a stong opinion of someone you never notice and Illinois is certainly the quiet, mysterious resident on the block. I ask you -did you notice when they won the Big Ten a few years ago and did you notice that they sucked before and after that- i didn't think so. Yes, Illinois is the hermit in the neighborhood and generally I do not have anything aganist hermits - in fact sometimes I am jealous of hermits- but I cannot say that I am crazy about them either. I guess they do not put up right wing lawn signs or use my yard for a dumping ground like that red-neck iowa so that ranks them somewhere in the middle of my list. But usually when you are looking for Illinois you find Penn State instead. You see Penn State is fairly new to the neighborhood. Actually, Penn State is not really in the neighborhood but a funny thing happened recently, Penn State decided to move to just outside the neighborhood and built a nice new house a couple blocks away. He came from somewhere out east and immediately made an impact on this neighborhood with his brash style. Penn State is one of those work-out freaks and health nuts. He likes to listen to "the final countdown" by Europe while he pumps iron in his garage with his shirt off. Then when he is good and worked up he likes to jog around the neighborhood as if to show everyone how tough he is. You find this vanity annoying and a bit comical but the truth is Penn State really wants to be sexy and sophisticated like the Michigan's and Ohio State's. Unfortunately, Penn State is butt ugly and clumsy, and he sadly tries to compenstate for his lack of good looks and charm by creating an impressively carved body. So you always see Penn State jogging around the neighborhood flexing his muscles and hoping to impress the rest of the neighborhood- especially the Michigan's and Ohio States. Its not that Penn State cannot compete financially with Michigan and Ohio State in the neighborhood- Northwestern told you a rumor that Penn State has wealthy connections back east- but he makes bad investments and cannot sustain the success of Michigan or Ohio State. Further, Penn State is the neighbor that wants everyone else to help him but he doesn't want to help anyone else. He thinks he can still beat up anyone in the Neighborhood even though his glory days are well behind him and it strikes you as someone that is still living in denial. At first, everyone was intimidated by this ugly hulk, but soon enough we found out that Penn State is more bark than bite. Sometimes when you see Penn State jogging by you want to yell out "hey rocky, when's the fight!" Penn State spends so much time on diet and exercise that he knows and cares little about politics. He probably works as some kind of a skilled machinist or mechanic because he makes good money and has a "buy American" bumper sticker on his Ford F150. This also makes you think he must be sympathetic to unions, but he is more the Jimmy Hoffa unionist type than the Harry Bridges or Bill Haywood unionist type. After talking to him for a bit you realize that he certainly voted for Reagan in the 80s because Reagan wanted to kick the Russians ass and Penn State thought that was a good idea, and then he voted for Clinton in the 90s because Clinton was good with the women and Penn State thinks he is too. He voted for Bush in 2000 because Gore was too political but then voted Kerry in 2004 because our jobs were leaving the country. Then after reflecting a bit more you believe that he probably did not vote at all- he is more A-political than anything else. On the other hand, Penn State did invite you into his house once to show you his beer can collection. It was a nice gesture but it made you think that maybe Penn State has a drinking problem. In the end, you like Penn State's unionist sympathies and feel he can be persuaded to vote properly and you appreciate his hospitality so you are more willing to embace him as one of the good ones in the neighborhood. But he is prone to binge drinking enduced rages and embarrassing public displays, like the time he ran around the block in his underwear shouting "who stole my Rogaine!" This type of behavior makes you tread lightly around Penn State and you know that for all his working class toys and performace he is still closer in status and financial capacity to Michigan than you. This causes you to have a cautiously favorable opinion of Penn State but in your mind he will always be something of an outsider and a potential enemy in the future. You prefer the stability and safety of MSU over the volitility of Penn State if forced to choose.
And speaking of outsiders, one of my favorite visitors to the Neihborhood is Iowa State. She drops by once in a while as she is the poor step-sister to Iowa. She lives in a place called the Big 12 a much worse neighborhood than ours- you are glad you don't live there- but you wish that Iowa State would move to our neighborhood. You see Iowa State lives closer to you than Penn State and she sometimes drops by to see Iowa- actually to argue and fight with Iowa as they do not get along. When you see Iowa State you feel a sense of happiness and solidarity becuase she shares your hatred of Iowa. Iowa is always bad mouthing Iowa state to their parents. Plus you are kind of sweet on Iowa State- she has that attractive red hair and she drives a honda civic like you. She has the DX model though while you have the LX model so she is no threat to your sexist ego. You imagine having a fling with Iowa State but then catch yourself and feel guilty for objectifying Iowa State, it is something that Penn State would do and you feel ashamed of yourself. But you really like Iowa State and get a bit jealous when Wisconsin says hi to her. You especially like to watch Iowa State fight with Iowa, she knows all his weak spots and its fun to watch the racist, confederate flying, gun rack carrying, rat faced cheater get taken doen a peg by Iowa State. You wish Iowa State would stay longer and hold out hope that one day she will move into the hood but for now you take pleasure in watching her make iowa suffer.
So my list so far is MN, North, WIS, MSU, PSU, ILL, IND, PUR, IA
Mich and OSU will have to wait until next time