Students Shut Down Campus; Goodgers Game Unaffected

Bucky Beatwriter

On the eve of the 2006 off year elections students at the University have effectively shut down the campus. Anti-war activists have taken over Malcolm X Hall and the John Brown administration complex and have refused to allow the campus to function as normal until, they say, “we bring an end to this ***ing war and this power mad Bush. Bush and his corrupt cronies have got to go. This is the only power the people have ever had, direct action to bring down militarists and fascists who use their power against the many.” Truer words have never been spoken.

There is a long history of student activism on the campus and it is considered by many to be the most open, democratic and egalitarian colleges in the world. Last year, the college drew national headlines when it expanded its free book program to include laptop and desktop computers for all of its students. In addition to this fantasy, it also has a very good Big ten Fantasy Football team. Bucky’s Goodgers have won 3 BTFFL Blue Ox Bowls over the last three years and they are in a dogfight this year to re-re-repeat.

Student activist have not shut down Emancipation Stadium, the site of today’s big showdown in the BTFFL between the school’s beloved Goodgers and the BTFFLs resurgent Halifax Spitfires. In the same three years that the Goodgers have been so dominant, the Spitfires have been at the bottom of the conference. Last year Spitz and company managed just one win, a week 10 victory against the Farmers, before bowing out meekly in the year ending Gopher Bowl to sibling rival Golden Goblins. This year, Spitz is sitting at 5-4, having won in exciting fashion last week on the late game heroics of star Running Back Tony Pittman. That game went to overtime and the 90-90 result may be the difference between a trip to the BOB and a trip to the consolation Gopher Bowl! Now at 5-4 with last week’s win, Spitz sits, or more likely sleeps, in second place in the BTFFL and an inside track on Spitz’s first appearance in the BOB. The two teams will not face each other again this season, so the Goblins have an uphill battle to return to the BOB, although they are currently leading the Spitfires in the crucial tiebreaker of total points.

Today’s Goodger Line-Up, entering Emancipation stadium to “All You Fascists (are bound to lose)”

QB1 Drew “Lincoln’s Secretary of War” Stanton

QB2 Curtis “Lemay was a war criminal” Painter

RB1 Mike “We could have done a lot worse than Gary” Hart (In fact, we did)

RB2 Albert “Never trust anybody over thirty” Young

WR1 Dorion Bryant

WR2 Greg Orton

WR3 Kerry “I, er, ah, er, ah, lost, ah” Reed

K Taylor Melhoff

(I could only rack my brain for so long for a mildly humorous tangential left wing reference for Bryant, Orton, and Melhoff. I give up)